Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You can't just leave with hair like that
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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