you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
People in love make me want to vomit
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
