Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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