I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
