i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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