while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
