if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
