I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
