just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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