And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
