Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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