wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
