i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
