I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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