Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
