I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
