dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My ass is underappreciated
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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