Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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