Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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