I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
