I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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