You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
