I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
