True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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