6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
