wakey wakey hands off snakey
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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