My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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