I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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