I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
