I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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