i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
