It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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