She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
