dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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