So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
