You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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