Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
