This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
