He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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