U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
