Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
