I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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