he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
