Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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