When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
