god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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