I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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