hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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