He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
