I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
