worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
