i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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