so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
