I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just invented taco cereal.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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