I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
