Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
