I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
