why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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